Thursday, March 24, 2005
Ladies and gentleman, today i just want to tell you all a story about me n the 'him'. In here, i would use 'he', 'him', 'his' or whatever but not his name...
Once upon a time, when i was in secondary 2, i saw him, for the first time. He does not look like anyone special to me at all... Arhhh!!! What the shite!!! Why in the hell should i start from here...
Hmmm... I don't even know since when and how on earth did i start noticing him or since when was i ever so damn concern about his presence. since, i have no idea when, i started taking note of what time he would arrive at the bus stop to go to school and i would even start predicting to myself what his mood might be today.
I remember, there was this period of time when i would saw him almost everyday waiting at the bus stop n since on, i always try to arrive at the same time as him.
To me, he is those cool cool quite type of guys, tall, gentleman n yet bold. Just like a prince charming who have all the talents that he should have to protect his country n his woman. Haha. Okie!!! i seems to be day-dreaming huh??? Heez...
Back here, he stood about ten steps away from me and we would normally board the same bus, with him standing next to me most of the time. As i am the kind of person who don't like to squeeze my way through, thus, i normally end up being the last few to board the bus.
Once, he was so gentleman that he let me board the bus first saying,'you first' in chinese, landing him to stand behind me, almost could'nt make it on board. Twice, he smiled at me and learning the pass, i boarded first and him ended up, still at the bus stop with the door close. Even though he was left behind, he smiled at me through the bus door n turn away.
I think it was since then that whenever i see him, i would have butterflies or flowers popping up in my heart. I never dared look at him in the eyes because, his eyes are so beautiful, no, its charming.
Times flew by quickly. Soon i am in secondary 4, the bus stop 'love' still remain the same with me hoping to see him everyday without fail. However, i did not see him that often then. It was during the prelim period, he started to appear being at the bus stop almost everyday.
He was a year older than me and was in a different school. I am even so foolish to even think that his uniform looked so stylish whenever he was in it.
To think back, i feel that i am juz a stupid little girl who would fall in love with a total stranger. Haha. But the way he carries himself and the type of personalities that one can reveal from all his actions just seems to attract me more.
On a particular day which i am in a very moody mood, even the presence of him did't perk me up, an incident happened to both of us tat make me feel so elated and so very anxious.
The shaky bus suddenly make a stop or whatever, he fell on me and i was on the verge of falling down, he grab my hand slightly. He pull me back and i think this action makes both of us stablised in a moment. He apologised and apologised though i told him tones of times, 'it's ok'. i can still remember how he looked at me when apologising. Later, i changed the topic by asking,' Are u studying in commonwealth???' He replied, 'yes. bye bye'. He alighted the bus and all was over.
Haiz. That was all in the past. In about february, before chinese new year, i saw him once again at west mall. I thought i had forgotten how he looked like and i though even if i was to see him again, i don't think i can even regonise him.
Surprise surprise, i remembered him and i was even so damn happy that i walked past him, hoping to say 'hi', but he does not even noticed me. And for the whole day, i have no idea what happen. My mood remained monotone. I even watched chucky(which was so boring) and normally i would be talking about the movie but i did not for that day.
Sad sad. However, soon i even know where he was working at. Thus, everytime when i did walk past the mrt station, i would make a drop by his shop to take only a look at him. It's only a look at him and that would make my day!!! Heez...
Good things always come to an end. That day, if i remember, i was on my way home after meeting with huixian. It was about 12++. I walked past west mall and i saw him sitting at the bench. Not alone, but with a girl, i think less than 160cm, not very pretty or cute. This is not jealousy about the girl but are all facts.
Both of them are sitting straight, not facing each other, the girl was on the phone and he was looking into whatever he could get into his sight. I stood still when i saw this moment and his eyes meet mine, then look back at the girl beside him.
Seriously, i think they are not a couple. They don't seem to be dating or what. They look more like friends to me. I have no idea how long did i stood there. My heart was crying. I walked a few steps over to buy 'green apple milk tea', then walk back again. They still remain in the same positions.
I think i am only consoling myself saying that they are not couple. Rather, i would say they look like a couple who are quarrelling. This make me cry more in my heart. having able to quarrel means that they care about one another deeply. Haiz.
I walked home wit the 'green apple milk tea'. So cold. Seems so sweet but it was never sweet even when i finish the whole cup off.
Now, come to think of it, i realise maybe that was the only time when i am actually so upset over someone. Since then, whenever i walked past the benches, i would think of that very moment. No one have been able to heal my heart since then and i would order only 'green apple milk tea with pearls' at $1.20 regularly when i feel like it.
On the 28 feb, when it was the 'o' lvl results release day, i even have the craziest thinking that i would confess to him if god allow us to be together by letting me meet him at the bus stop as usual. To think that i was even so well-prepared by what i have to say to him, how my expressions should be like and how should i react so that i can leave the best impression of me for him.
All come to a waste. There was no time for all these. Huixian and i was even almost late for the release of results. I did not went to my usual bus stop. I did not meet him. I did not see him. I did not do what i should do. I did not...
Lastly, i hope i can really tell him how i really feel. Just for a day. God, if you allow, just a day will do. I shall tell him eveything. No matter how his reactions might be, at the very least, i have done what i should do. Just once, PLEASE!!!
These past memories and him will remain in my heart forever, i hope. Maybe in twenty years time, i might forget. But, he did leave an impression of him for me.
As i was doing the frienster bulletin questionaire, it was about love and in unforeseen circumstances, i was reminded of him which prompt me to make this confession of once my love for him. Remembering everything and details without a script.
f lu t t er ing @ 11:52 PM :)
