Wednesday, January 10, 2007
i dont welcome year 2007 at all!!!
this year is not a good year. not that all, all it does is, take things away from me, my happiness, my smile, my time, my mind, almost everything. pheesh, i'm really tired. see~ its only the second week of year 2007, but i'm exhausted like hell already. just some day, i think i will collapse and flood the whole of everywhere around me with my tears. now, they are flowing all in the reverse manner, just wait for it to overflow bahz...
well, bad things happen. have i been bad in year 2006, is this my karma? can i reject this? argh~ shit! firstly, clinic, i made too much mistakes this year. i really wonder what is so wrong with me, i need millions of reminder and thousands of apologies for people. i hate saying sorry even when i'm wrong. its like, sorry, this 'magical' word doesnt solve any problem. it doesnt soothe anybody's mind from thinking, 'yensiang, you shall be pardoned'. NO! its doesnt. sorry is of no use. words are cheap, action speaks louder than words.
and my cash flow problem, in singapore, one really cant live without money. with no money, you cant have fun! no~ my mum is depriving me of my cash. argh! shit! and my family, we do have problems. every family have one anyway. money hurts people. i think my aunt should stop her rude attitude. just one day, when i can no longer tolerate. i might just shout into her face. my mum will be stunned. my dad will be shocked. my bro will be frightened. my relatives, they will be WOWed! would that be alright? haa, point is, if she still doesnt change, not many can accept her character.
school work.. i did my very best, i feel i'm failing almost everything. but this is the best i can. no~ no one force me, i myself am the problem. pheesh~ going through an utterly useless feeling that no one understands. attachement is the biggest prob ever. i really wonder how come she got the placement. life is just so unfair. since nothing is ever fair, as human beings, all we can do, ACCEPT THE FATE lohz. what to do. yeah~ i'm a bit fed up by that. but, i prefer my fyp peeps than the company's project. i'm sure we can do things better this way...
and i got to say this, our group is real unlucky. all of us met with problems. one, didnt get the job she wanted, posted to electroplating company instead of fragrance. one, got into ntu, and do boring stuff as lab assistant, couldnt have the chance to learn much. last, he didnt even got a placement lohz. arent we pathetic? we really are! i seriously hope everything will turn out fine, somehow, someday, sometime, some ways...
friends, what can i say, they are fine, its me. from time to time, the heart aches at the thought of it. it really crunches and let go, its a feeling i never wanted. it just feel like tens of needles being pricked into it slowly, twist and plucked off one by one. ouch~ it hurts, it really does. never once have i got this kind of feeling. not even two years back, though i regret deep down then. but, i'm certain i wasnt this hurt. its just, i'm able to let it go. now, i'll let it go too?
honesty is the best policy. so i guess the only solution is to say it all out, then, i wish all problems will be gone. never will this uncertain mind keep pondering over unsensible thoughts. but the consequences will make me fail to be an upright person. is that alright? or, should i continue feeling the painful hurt? maybe my lowly valued principle will teach me how. right now, i really feel i shouldnt eat back on my words. that is the wrong way of conduct. hmmm, men are selfish by nature. am i? can i? will i?
lunar chinese new year is coming. never once i hadnt feel the mood yet. nomally at the start of january, i will be feeling all excited about it and getting prepared. feeling the noisy fun new year, but i doubt so this year. this one could jolly well be my most unhappy chinese new year in my eighteen years of life. i have too much things slumped on myself. its too heavy. am i able to have the always laughter, always so cheered, always feeling happy, always no worries, always happy everyday yensiang back?
this question has no answer.
awwhhh, how much i reminise the secondary school days, of yx and i sitting under the big circulation fan reading comics with hot air blowing on us, weile's gangster show at the back of the class, his squeezing room, the dodge balls in our classroom which hurts fuhao like hell, the change of seats during english lesson, the ever copying chinese little quiz, the repeated and repeated, ever repeating chemistry theory, the zillions equation of physics theory, mdm zainah's literature class which keeps me awake with evil hooper, timid kingshaw and the cross-guttered yellow stockings mavolio, the every morning little happiness of mine, i'll share with yx & lq. aahhh, how much i miss those times..
thinking of these, never to forget, the bestie who went bugis with me almost every week after school and end up missing the nest day's lesson, i'm the sick bug then. the ever trumpeting sectional, canteen gossips, crazy bo chups, supper of ban mian and stingrays, canel long-lasting chats, haiqual's fake possessed, performance rehearsals, bright yellow blazer, fall in every now and then, pump on the rough carpark floor like hundred times with tight band skirts, the only 187 bus which kept me waiting for like 1/3 of my secondary school lives. aahhhhh, these are really unforgettable memories...
memories keep me alive in 2007. not to forget, 04. the ever fun loving perfect class! the lecture days we used to have, jujubee ever together, waiting for whole class to squeeze and board the uncontainable lift, T111, packing air-con and over night in there, ong.S.L., sweets, sour plums, jujubee we used to share among one another, organising christmas day, chinese new year, national day, steamboat, going out for movie, siiting around to chat, getting high without feeling conscious of what is happening around, shouting and laughing like no one's biz, even just standing at the walkway and block every other's path is just so 04...
after typing the above 3 paragraphs, memories came gushing back. and i feel so loved again, didnt i told you, memories keep me alive, they are so true. the road ahead is like pitch dark which could make me fall every single moment, having nothing to hold on, my life isnt all that great. sometimes, i wanna live life with lotsa ups, living life like there's no tomorrow. hopes, after exams, after chinese new year, after attachment, everything will turn out sharply superbly greatly fine. thats all, ciaos...Labels: 04, family, friends, my life, reminisce, school, seconday school, work
f lu t t er ing @ 10:33 PM :)
